I figured it out

Hi friends and family,

Before I forget, Easton and Layla are about 2 years and 8 months old. I'll have to get the LilyPie ticker back up on the blog soon... Right now I should be finishing my presentation for Monday, but I just couldn't resist posting tonight because I finally had a break through and can't wait to share.

Here is our Happy Birthday wish to Ma from the 4 Webbs! We threw an early party for her during our trip to Missouri earlier this month, but she deserves an official virtual applause. We called and sang her the standard birthday song. This is the first year all 4 of us joined in the singing and we sounded awesome if I do say so myself.

What (and who) I am today matters much more than what I want to be. When the twins are older and look back on my role as a father I will be known for what I was, not for what I wanted to be. This is the basis for all of the parental fine-tuning and self-assessment captured in the blog.

Now I know the question I am supposed to answer! A child's behavior around their father all ties into the God-given need for approval, attention, and affection. They are acting out (good and bad) in an attempt to have that internally-driven question answered. My response to their behavior is received by them as either "yes" or "no" to the question. Not once, but with every interaction, every hug (or lack thereof), and every comment directed at them. Here is the question:

Girls ask: "Am I lovely?" I learned this one a long time ago and posted a blog entry dedicated to the revelation. No matter what I see or hear from Layla, I am continually cognizant and intentionally interpreting her through this need which I must meet. When she says, "Daddy, do you want to play princesses with me?" I hear her say, "Am I lovely?" When she purses her lips, folds her arms and refuses to sit down for lunch I hear her say, "Am I still lovely?" Every second of every day I spend with Layla is interpreted through this filter. I am doing my very best to make sure she knows my answer to her question is a resounding, "YES!" even through the discipline other unsavory parental responsibilities.

I realized boys ask a different question. Ever since I discovered Layla's question I've been perplexed by Easton. Not because he is atypical, but because I didn't know the generic question boys need to have answered. I finally figured it out.

Boys ask: "Do I have what it takes?" Or to put it another way, "Do you approve of me? Am I valued? Are you proud of me?" When Easton waits all day for me to come home so he can tell me of his accomplishment I see this question. When he shows off I see it. When he acts out defensively I see it.

Exhibit A: We bought Easton a race track and showed it to him months ago. We told him he will get the race track when he goes #2 in the potty. When I came home this evening he immediately stumbled through a sentence detailing his accomplishment. TaDa!


Do you see it? Can you see him asking me, "Daddy, do I have what it takes?"

This revelation happened in discussions with my counseling / mentoring / character training group. Reading through the material for the class lead me down the path of digging into my childhood. I'm required to take a full assessment of the good, bad, and ugly for my past and present. When I examined my life it turned into a huge emotional journey, which I am still in the middle of. I need to sort things out in my past in order to understand why I am the way I am. These findings are important to Easton becuase I have a strong desire to build on my Dad's parenting skills and be even better than he was. I'm running out of time to make the necessary adjustments because Easton is growing up right before my eyes and asking me this question daily. I will shift my filter for Easton to always view his behavior in the context of his masculine question, "Do I have what it takes?"

Here's a picture of my brave warrior accompanying me with his trusty Buzz Lightyear flashlight on a walk through the neighborhood.


He's always been enthralled with outer space and airplanes. He saw an airplane and got so excited to point it out for me that he dropped his flashlight. You can see it is literally mid-air and falling to the ground in this picture.


Layla has her princess flashlight and matching girlie outfit. Her facial expressions are becoming more and more young lady like and less "baby" like. For some reason Layla looks incredibly mature to me in this picture.


Sharing between the twins is getting better every day. Not good... but better. They shared an office chair as we chatted on Skype with Oma and Opa.


Then Layla decided to give Easton a big hug. Although he likes hugs, he also has a valid level of expected personal space, which Layla regularly violates.


Today Easton and Layla logged their first hour of volunteer work. We joined our church to rehab the local Salvation Army facility. Their specific contribution was painting a tractor tire in the playground. After eating Cheez-its for snack time, of course...


It's hard to explain the concept of volunteer and helping others, but we tried. None the less, it's better to show than tell so I'm happy. Even though Easton and Layla didn't participate much I'm still proud of them for joining in with the effort and leaving their mark on the world in some small way already.