remarried

Hello friends and family,

I'm taking a break from the normal focus on Easton and Layla to share some "Jack Handy" style deep thoughts.  I'd like to shine the light on the only person more important than Easton and Layla:  Kendra.  More specifically to share the truth I know regarding What Really Keeps a Marriage Together?

The story connected to the link above summarizes what took me more than 6 years of marriage to figure out.  I consider myself to be lucky because some couples never figure it out and it shows.

Let me start by saying I am NOT committed to my marriage.  That sounds bizarre, but please read on before adding a mean comment or passing judgement.  I am committed to Kendra.  Yes, we are married, but my commitment and covenant are with her not our marriage.

When I hear someone say, "I'm committed to my marriage..." it's usually followed by some struggling, barely surviving, desperate, sham of a relationship where two people are attempting to stay together for the marriage or for the kids or for the whatever (fill in the blank).

I don't claim to have all the answers or be an expert in any field, but I know truth when I experience it.  The vows I said to Kendra on the day of our wedding formed a covenant between her and I.  Not a vow that I will simply live in the same house as her or happen to sleep in the same room as she does.  Those things are not what keeps a marriage together, but love does.

The English language is woefully insufficient to describe certain concepts and one of those is "love".  For example:

I love this chicken sandwich.
I love your new hair do.
I love the way she sings.

How can the same word be used to describe the bond between a man and women which stands the test of time across multiple decades?

Here's the lesson of the day:

Eros, agape, and philia are the three types of love according to the Greek words.  There is a fourth called storge, but that is simply "affection", which I consider to be eros love without the sexual motive.

Kendra and I had virtually zero philia love for the first few years of marriage.  Once we recognized our lack in this area and made steps to develop the philia love, being married shifted from a struggle to a joy.  Kendra is my best friend.  The other two types of love follow closely behind, but the order of importance is... well... important.   I've learned the real meaning of many words over the past few years.  Trust, intimacy, and cherish are three that come to mind quickly.  I haven't completely figured them out, but I moved from "I don't know squat" to "I'm actively working on those".

On Sunday our church wrapped up a great 4-week series on marriage with a renewal of vows.  I cried.  I admit it...  I shuddered a couple of times while saying the words as I tried to hold in my emotions.  Old habits die hard.

This time I made a special effort to look Kendra in the eyes as we said our vows.  Almost 10 years ago when we were married my main goal was to repeat the words exactly as my Dad said them.  That kind of thinking was "under the law", meaning my focus was on SAYING (doing) exactly the right words instead of BEING the man I was talking about by focusing on Kendra.  I had no concept of the vows or what they really meant at the time, but neither does any other single person saying vows at their wedding.  All of those things I promised sounded easy at the time, but it took the first five or six years to really comprehend how to walk out those promises through our journey of life together.

We have a certificate of the vow renewal I plan to frame, but the real jewel of the day is the picture showing two imperfect people who are living as "one" and having the best time of our lives figuring it out.  Kendra and I were remarried on Sunday along with a few hundred other couples.  The significance is in the heart behind the ceremony, not the ceremony itself.

Our new-found friends, Rachel and Jacob, are a timely, valuable blessing for both of us.  Getting to know them and sharing life together is proving to be an adventure of its own.  He has a motorcycle and like flying airplanes.   With those interests he has as much in common with Easton as me.

Aunt Susie is joining in our normal daily life, but we haven't had many adventures with her yet.  We are having great conversations (after Uno and Dos go to bed) and hopefully a chance for her to relax as needed.  Easton asked to take Aunt Susie to the Dinosaur museum so we may take an afternoon to surprise him.

See you soon!