Uncharted Waters

Greetings friends and family,

There's a lot of adjusting going on in the Webb house.  Nobody likes change and we are no different.  We've done a great job of going with the flow, but the twins are not old enough to fully process what's going on in Kendra's body.  We've explained in as much honest detail as possible what cancer is and how the doctors will work to remove it from her body.  They may not understand how radiation works (neither do I) but they both miss spending time with Kendra.  If there was one thing I would do differently about these past three weeks it would be to give Easton and Layla more time together and individually with Kendra.

Starting tonight we are implementing a new policy around the Webb house to include more mommy-child time.  That means reading books, playing card games, and maybe even watching a movie.  Our master bedroom has become a very busy place now that Kendra spends 95% of her time in bed there.  the piece we didn't adjust yet is including the twins in that space.  Even with Ouma and Oupa to spend time with, there is just no substitute for Mommy.

One of the upsides of this situation is that I've had loads of Daddy time.  I've picked them up and dropped them off from school more in the past three weeks than in the past three months combined.  We stopped by Taco Bell after school one day because they wanted a snack.  I realize their nachos are barely considered "food" because of all the processed junk, but we had a kale smoothie from Jamba Juice right before this so it balances out.

Easton and Layla are still in the coloring phase of childhood.  The magic of the internet allows for them to sit with me at the computer, tell me what scene or character they want to color, and I print it on my computer.  Layla likes Disney princesses like Ariel and Easton likes disasters like the Hindenburg, volcanoes, and of course the Titanic.

We've received an amazing amount and variety of gifts from people.  Meals, flowers, boxes, cards, and even music.  My sister sent us a CD titled "Hope" and it has a full set of music to give us hope.  Sometimes that is all we have to hang onto.

In the middle of all this chaos and overwhelming, never ending task list I was given a couple of hours of "me time".  My buddy joined me for some mountain biking.  this is where things make sense.  A place where i'm in control of myself and the bike.  There is so much about life that I don't control.  That fact has never been more evident than right now.  But out here I just ride, sweat, breathe, persevere, and smile for a couple of hours.  The break was refreshing because at home I knew Kendra's mom and dad were taking care of her and the twins.

The reality of Kendra's life at home is indescribable.  What we have is 586 pages plus several additional reports that paint a picture of Kendra's condition that is not very pretty.  My limited medical understanding is so insignificant that I can't even decipher what it all means.

The pills and medical paraphernalia around our master bedroom makes it look more like a Walgreen's pharmacy than a warm, relaxing space.  

These days are going by so fast I can't even believe it's been 4 weeks since the sneeze that broke Kendra's back and sent us to the hospital.  Watching Kendra in pain is the hardest part of my day.  I'm mad.  I can handle housework, more kid responsibilities or taking care of myself, but I get mad when I see Kendra in pain even when she is just lying perfectly still in bed.  I don't know who is the target of my anger or frustration.  Certainly not Kendra because she did nothing to deserve or warrant her current condition.  God doesn't cause these situations because he is good all the time and the enemy is the one who came to kill steal and destroy.

This is an unfinished, unedited post because things are happening so fast that I don't even have time to work through or process my thoughts and feelings.  doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, just makes the blog posts less polished.  for now it's what I have so i'll go with it!

See you soon.