Pride and Selfishness

Top o' the mornin' to you, friends and family. Irish blood is in my genes along with German, Indian (slot not dot), and several other unknown blood lines of infamy. I think somewhere in my family tree is the care-taker for Belle Starr's horses. She was known as the Bandit Queen. We all have a history and as one of my mentors says, "Your past is either an anchor or a rudder, but it's your choice". It's hard to believe my life is approaching the half-way mark, but I'm highly confident I won't be in the same class of remembrance as Belle Starr. Thank God.

Aunt Susie's trip came to an end today after two weeks of full immersion into the 4 Webb's lifestyle. She was a joy to have in our home.  I hope she comes again soon and often.  Especially during the times of year when the sunny warmth of Phoenix looks more appealing than the rainy, cold NorCal weather. The only thing as sad as saying good-bye was realizing we did a terrible job of picture taking during her stay. Part of the problem is the unpredictable quality of the Canon SD1300 camera Kendra carries around. 75% of the images are too blurry to use. I miss my S90 terribly.

In 5 days we'll close on the house as we sign our name to the largest amount of debt in the history (or future) of our lives. We start the move to our new house in T-30 days.   We kicked off the 4 Webb's economic stimulus package for the US economy by laying down a few thousand on a truckload of walnut-stained ceramic tile.  When it's laid with a thin layer of dark grout it will look like a hardwood floor.  Looks great and cleans easily, but no hassle of maintaining a hardwood floor.  sweeeeeeet.  From what I experienced in the stores all a person needs to do for riches is start a tile factory in Italy and sell to the US.  Every time we saw a tile that costs three times the normal amount, the sales person said, "but THIS tile was made in Italy!" Whatever.  I don't know or care where our tile was produced.  It is exactly the color and texture of what Kendra is looking for and if she's happy then I'm happy.

Kendra regularly window shops online and at the brick-n-mortar stores for many other household items.  We have a spreadsheet broken out by room with the items in it and cost for each item.  Susie joined Kendra and the twins to check out a flea market somewhere. There happened to be an all-you-can-bounce bounce house in the middle of the wheeling and dealing.  Two bucks and 30 minutes later Easton and Layla were worn out and covered in germs.

The cool weather brought duck park smiles since it is open for business once again this fall.  Kendra's friend Susanna and her two little ones accompanied Kendra and the twins.  Easton and Coleson are the same age and he needs that boy time since we don't have any other close friends with a boy his age.  Oddly enough the best picture from the duck adventures shows the twins standing virtually on top of each other while Coleson feeds the ducks alone.

Layla's dancing is getting more creative every day.  The two of us danced until I couldn't lift and twirl her around anymore.  Easton joined in briefly (by coercion) as we did a ring-around-the-rosie kind of thing, but his interest in dancing is almost zero.  He would rather read books about the human body and shout out, "Daddy your gallbladder is green just like the man on this page".  Layla provides hours of performance quality entertainment.

I was happy to take a break from dancing to wrench on Easton's Tonka truck for a few minutes.  Task switching is the name of the game and I'm a master at it with these two around.

During the past month with Neill and Jenny then Aunt Susie around, the twins' quiet time was in Easton's room on the trundle bed.  However, after Susie left, Layla was moved to her own big girl bed again.  I heard talking during quiet time and discovered "quiet time" without his best friend was not fun at all.  He went to Layla's room and read books with her until I guided him back to his own room..

I hear about other twins or siblings who fought and hate each other all through life.  What a shame.  We established early on Easton and Layla would have a good relationship.  We regularly declare, "You are best friends"!  It's obviously working because they live it out day after day and grow closer all the time.

I picked a flower off a tree in the green belt then gave it to her in "prince charming" style.  She said, "Why thank you, prince Daddy.  I love it!"  Those moments are the ones I hope she remembers when she chooses a husband some day.

It's midnight and Kendra fell asleep a long time ago. I'm alone in the dark with nothing but the warm glow of three monitors filling the front room. There are seven interesting books piled up on my desk. I stare briefly, but I don't feel like reading right now. I have an open internet connection with nothing standing between me and an unimaginable wealth of information, videos, and music about relevant topics.

Instead of searching for news or reading Facebook about some obscure acquaintance's nap I open the folder on my computer where the most recent pictures of Easton and Layla are kept.  I reflect on the moments from their birth to now then relive the past few days with vivid coloring.  Then my mind wonders off into the future thinking about the amazing lives they have in front of them.  Some day Layla will get married.  Even though I have several years to work through that process I'm already well aware that I MUST work through it.  It's painfully obvious because I seek and find songs like this:



And I cry like a baby at the thought of watching her experience one of the happiest days of her life.  The song is about a father giving his daughter away in marriage.  Here is a portion of the lyrics in case the you can't watch the Youtube clip:

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But its still hard to give her away
I loved her first

We pray for Layla's husband randomly during the day.  out loud.  in front of her.  The decision of who a person marries is so crucial.  There will never be a man good enough for Layla, but I want her to know what kind of man to find.   Ultimately she will choose a man based on how I treat her and how she sees me treat Kendra.  That's not a weight around my neck.  On the contrary, it's a relief and a blessing.  All I need to do is keep loving Layla and Kendra unconditionally and do my best as a husband and father to meet their three most important needs (Attention, Affection, Approval).

I've heard innumerable stories of people (men and women) whose father didn't love them unconditionally.  The ironic part is that every father is given the responsibility AND the ability to love, but some choose not to do it.  That gets me to the title of my post...  The reason father's fail in anything worth mentioning is due to pride and selfishness.

Getting married exposed those two strongholds in my life.  Having Easton and Layla provided the catalyst to break free from these two death traps.  Daily I uncover more and more areas of my life where pride and selfishness rule.  For this reason I can't point to a single day of change.  It's more like an onion peeling layer after layer.  I refuse to reference Shrek in any philosophical discussion, but you get the point.  This next picture provides the best example I found to show what it feels like to be free:

I have no idea where the sculpture exists or who created it, but I identify with it. One of the craziest aspects of my journey is how I didn't even realize I was bound up like the first image in the picture. How can anyone be bound and not know it? That's a simple answer... Anything can seem normal if enough lies are believed and one persists long enough. How bizarre.