There is sadness in the 4 Webb's house as we mourn losing the Lightning McQueen remote control car. What happened to Lightning? Well, it's an interesting story of consequences and a model of success. I'm not bragging, just excited to have found a method of discipline which impacts Easton appropriately.
Easton bites. That is the problem statement. Since he was old enough to do it he's been a biter. He isn't malicious, just defensive. He doesn't run through the house like a lunatic vampire seeking victims. However, when his personal space boundaries are crossed (usually by Layla) get ready for teeth!
Yesterday Layla did some unknown act of annoyance inside Easton personal space and he bit her on the hand. very hard. She screamed and I enacted my well-thought-out solution. Easton is getting to the age where he understands good and bad consequences as well as obedience and disobedience. How should Easton be disciplined?
- Corporal punishment has no lasting impact and is proven not to effect behavioral change for Easton. Whether you agree or disagree with this method is immaterial... It simply doesn't work on him.
- Sending him to his room for quiet time is no good. He sees it as a reward! He would lie on his bed, suck his thumb and cuddle his blankie for hours on end if we let him.
- Time out is ineffective because he just squirms around not caring about anything besides getting off the cold tile floor.
- Taking away privileges (toys and treats) has its place, but the impact is minimal. Easton always asks, "When the time out is done do I get (whatever) back?" After I answer "Yes" he waits patiently and isn't phased one bit by the lack of (whatever).
Drastic times call for drastic measures... I declare today as the official last time Easton ever bit anyone. When the topic comes up in conversation years from now we can definitively say, "the last time Easton bit someone was July 26, 2011". How can I be so confident? Well, here's the secret.
I showed Easton the marks on Layla's hand, pointed out her crying and sadness, then asked for his side of the story. He wasn't able to tell me why he bit her or what she did to provoke him. I gave him a chance though... Anyway, I told him, "You disobeyed. Because of your bad choice of biting Layla you will get a bad consequence."
We walked to his room together and I told him the Lightning McQueen remote control will go in the trash. He picked it up and we walked to the side of the house where the dumpster sits. Then I explained again what happened and why Lightning has to go bye-bye. He reluctantly tossed the car and remote in the trash. A new era of obedience began in the Webb house. We went back inside the house where the real key learnings occurred. We walked over to his beloved box full of Thomas and Friends train tracks.
I squatted down to his level and put my hand on the box. I told him, "If you ever bite anyone again for any reason, this box goes in the trash." He responded with a quick, "yes sir!" For the first time I saw in his eyes he knew exactly what would result if he chose to bite again.
For the rest of the night any time Layla cried or gave the slightest whimper he ran over to me saying, "I did NOT bite Layla!" Kendra asked me if I planned to get the toy out of the garbage can. I can understand her thought process, but I explained how he would never learn the true concept of consequences if we just gave it back to him.
Discipline and punishment are necessary, but I abhor doing it. If taking extreme measures means I do it less in the future, then it's well worth the pain of watching Big Time struggle with the loss of Lightning McQueen.
The wonderful realities of three-year-old forgiveness displayed their full color only minutes after the biting incident. We went through the same ole' process we go through every time something like this occurs. Easton says, "Please forgive me for biting you, Layla" and she says, "I forgive you." They hug and then it's back to being best friends again.
Best friends who share, that is...
Progress is sometimes slow, but as long as we are creeping forward I'm a happy parent.
See you soon!
2 comments:
Good parenting!! Toys--It's just stuff!! Wood, plastic, things that break. Things that diminish in importance from one year to the next. His heart, however, is ONE special lasting thing!! Keep cultivating it. He may push again, just to see if you will certaintly keep your word about Thomas. Even if he "slips" and quickly reacts out of anger,biting again, don't back down from the consequence. Your word, as his dad, should be truth he can depend on. Teach him that.... It's just stuff in his room. Use it as you need to, for his heart's sake. His heart is worth so much more!! I have stood beside the boys, at the window as the garbage man drove by, tears streaming down their faces as their favorite toy got dumped..it feels cruel, but it's worth it. You don't have to do that too many times to get the point across... "We care about boys, not toys" we always say. Keep pursuing his "best heart" and it will develop!--joanie
Good work! The love and logic books I have been reading really suPport teaching consequences and letting our children fail when it is not life threatening or harmful to anyone in order to teach them decision making. KeeP ip the good work
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